Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Out of Sorts

I have been a bit out of sorts lately. I feel sad and lonely and overwhelmed. I can't explain it really. I just do not feel like myself at all.

I knew I may feel lonely not working and all, but it hit me all at once Monday. I just sat down in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs and cried, and cried. I do not miss working at all, and I am so glad Mr. P and I have the financial means for me to stay home and take care of Pumpkin, but I do miss people. I miss meeting colleagues on the train and chatting on our way to work. I miss just shooting the shit in the coffee room. Hell I even miss the obnoxious receptionist who had to tell me every little detail of her divorce and non-existent sex life. I miss those people. People who I would never really see outside of the office, but who were a regular part of my life. Right now only Pumpkin and Mr. P are my regular company. I have some friends who I met through my pregnancy class, and we used to get together for lunch once a week, but they have mostly all gone back to work now. The one mom who isn't working spends most her time flying back to the UK so she is never around. As for Dutch moms, they really do not have any mums groups. They seem to have all the friends they want and not try to meet any more. I am not sure if it would be any different if I were in the states right now, I may be just as lonely, but it sure as hell could not be any worse, and at least there I would not be "the foreigner". I am trying to get out of the house though. Friday I will go to a mums group for foreign moms, so at least that is something to look forward to. And I think I will start going to the baby swim classes on Wednesday mornings, get out there and gather with the locals, who knows, they may be nice :-)

But loneliness is not everything. I am tired and overwhelmed. Pumpkin is having problems with eating. She has really since she was born, but now it is just getting to me. She cries and cries during being fed. She gets gas and cramps and just cries and refuses to eat. Every feed is a struggle and I hate being in public when she needs to eat. Everyone stares and has comments. I just want to disappear into the woodwork. The doctor and well baby clinic really do not know what it is. Since she is happy when not eating, it is not colic, and since she is gaining weight (thanks to Mr. P and I sitting through her fits to make sure she comes close to finishing a bottle) they are not worried. But now that she is over 4 months she is past the normal stage for cramps. We are going to try and see the doctor again this week, but I have no hope they will say anything different. I knew being a mom would be hard, I just did not know so much guilt would come with it. I feel guilty because she is in pain and I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't help but wonder if I had stuck with breastfeeding a bit longer she would have gotten over her problems there (another story for another day) and she would not have the gas cramps now. I feel like I have failed her. She is only 4 months and I have already failed her.

Someone tell me am I normal? In the beginning isn't it normal to be so moody and overwhelmed, but is it normal to still feel that way now? Pumpkin is a wonderful happy baby and I love her to death. Her smiles light up my day. But why do I just feel so down and like the whole world is crashing in on me?

posted by Laura @ 7:46 PM   0 comments