Wednesday, August 10, 2005

11 weeks

Eleven weeks ago today my life changed completely. Eleven weeks ago Pumpkin entered my world after a gruesome two days of labor. And though I will hold those 52 hours over her head every time she does something to piss me off for the rest of her existence, I would do it over again and again to bring such a beautiful creature into my life.

Parenthood is not at all what I expected. I had this magical fantasy that my baby would be born and everything would come to me, that I would become "mama" and know just what to do with this tiny creature. Reality check time! My husband, Mr. P, and I walked out of the hospital, Pumpkin tucked snugly into her car seat, with shit-eating grins etched on our faces and a utter fear deep in our guts. We felt no older, no wiser, since she was born. Neither of us felt like adults. Wasn't this the moment we were to become "adults"? Much like the day we got married, or signed our mortgage, that magical transformation into perceived adulthood never happened. Here we were, proud owners to a brand spanking new baby, wishing we could find that damn users manual.

There were many moments, especially after the home nurse left and Mr P went back to work, that both Pumpkin and I held a crying competition. She crying for the sake of crying it seamed, and me because I had no idea how to make it STOP! Exhaustion, coupled with the overwhelming task of taking care of a newborn crippled me for weeks. I put way to much faith in books, and listened too much to what everyone was saying was "right" and "wrong" when it came to raising a child. Only when I took a step back and realized I had to raise Pumpkin my way did everything fall into place. That is not to say that Mr. P does not get panicked phone calls at work anymore, or that I have thrown those books out. It does not mean I know what I am doing, but only that I have learned to trust my judgment. And Pumpkins smiles are enough to tell me I am doing it right (almost as if I had that users manual after all).

posted by Laura @ 4:40 PM   0 comments